I recently read Belle Burden’s “Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage.” She tells the story of her own divorce after 20 years of marriage. The book debuted at No. 1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, and many women are reading it. The waitlist at my local library had over 250 people.
The summary is that she received a phone call one night — a man said that his wife was having an affair with her husband. She confronted her husband, who promised her it was “nothing.” However, by the next morning he told her he was leaving her and that he didn’t want his life with this family. He did not want to share custody of their three children, nor did he want their houses — he wanted no part of his old life. Of course, as with all divorces involving couples who have been together and have financial assets, the division of wealth was messy. So, the other lesson is one for women — always keep an eye on the money!
Perhaps it’s because I’m in my 50s, but I know of many couples who have split after decades of marriage. This phenomenon is known as “gray divorce,” and it is roughly defined as marital dissolution among couples aged 50 and over. It is on the rise both in the US and South Korea.
Many high-profile divorces feature prominently in our headlines. In South Korea, billionaire SK Group Chairman Chey Tae-won and his ex-wife Roh So-yeong (daughter of former president Roh Tae-woo) are making news partly for the large divorce settlement. Currently, American news features hedge fund co-founder John Overdeck and his wife Laura, who are fighting over what may be the largest divorce settlement in New Jersey history. According to media reports, he has offered his wife more than $600 million while his wife is seeking one-third of his fortune — this would total more than $6 billion (about ten times what he has offered).
Of course, the largest divorce settlement may be Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his ex-wife MacKenzie Scott Bezos. At the time of their divorce, his net worth was about $118 billion while she received $38 billion. No worries, though — Jeff Bezos’ net worth, according to Forbes Magazine, has grown to about $266 billion. Microsoft founder Bill Gates and his ex-wife Melinda Gates also experienced a high-profile divorce.
These stories are salacious in that they involve famous people, fortunes well beyond what most of us can imagine, and often infidelity. A study using a national data set found that gray divorce is actually more common among those who are less wealthy. Clearly, rich and poor people can experience gray divorce.
In fact, while divorce rates have been declining overall in the US, divorce rates among older people are on the rise. Between 1990 and 2010, the divorce rate among older people doubled. The New York Times reported that 40 percent of all divorces in the US are among couples aged 65 and over. In South Korea, a similar pattern is evident. A recent Korea Herald article reported: “Gray divorces among couples married for more than 30 years outnumbered divorces among couples married for less than five years in 2025 for the first time since South Korea began compiling related data in 1990.”
Infidelity is nothing new, but we imagine that wives and husbands (and probably more of the former than the latter) simply suffered through it in the past. There is a lot at stake when dissolving a marriage, and divorce at any age is painful. After many years of marriage, it can be especially so. So, why is it on the rise?
As life expectancy increases, men and women alike in their 50s in difficult relationships might imagine that they have 30 more years to live, and that is a long time to stay in an unhappy marriage. Imagine if you’ve been married for 30 years and feel empty. If you believe you have 30 more years to go, the tolerance for continuing in that relationship is less than if you think you are at the end of your life.
"Til Death Do Us Part" hits differently when death comes at 60 versus 90. It is also possible that increases in women’s education and labor force participation make reliance on a man less important now than in the past.
While I know nothing about Belle Burden except what I’ve read in her book, articles and various interviews, it does seem as if her husband had had it with their life. He was having an affair, but perhaps that just offered a clear path out of his marriage. Since his demand for a divorce seemed to come out of nowhere for her, their views of their marriage were clearly incongruent.
Why has this book struck a chord with American readers? Most of us who are married believe we know our partners well, but her book reminds us that as individuals, we can never truly know another person. Stories of infidelity are not only common in real life, but also in the news and fictionalized novels, K-dramas and telenovelas. That part of Burden’s story is nothing new. What women should learn from Belle Burden is to always be aware of your family’s finances. Still, it’s also important to nurture your relationships with your loved ones.
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Grace Kao
Grace Kao is an IBM professor of sociology and professor of ethnicity, race and migration at Yale University. The views expressed here are the writer’s own. — Ed.view
khnews@heraldcorp.com
